BREAKING NEWS: DWIGHT HOWARD HAS BEEN DEALT…

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…to the Beijing Ducks for Stephon Marbury, a sack of rice flour, 4 steamed pork buns, a framed portrait of Yao Ming Image, and the right to acquire any top-flight talent that comes out of China over the next 7 years. The deal is reportedly contingent on Marbury agreeing to give Magic owner Rich DeVos 51% control of the Starbury sneaker brand.

Also headed to the Ducks in the deal is Hedo Turkoglu, who will then be dealt to Somali Pirates in a subsequent trade that will net the Ducks 372,000 blank DVDs for which they can use to pirate American movies and sell them to Americans by walking into Subway Inn in the middle of the day and peddling their wares to the smelly old drunks sipping Wild Turkey in the corner.

Turkolglu has no say in any of this as the Somali pirates will likely cut out his tongue.

Asked for comment on the deal, Howard simply screamed and crushed a basketball between his mammoth mitts.

Asked for comment on his inclusion in the trade, Marbury tweeted to ESPN’s Ric Bucher:

“They’re trying to put me in a box!!!#eatvaselinedaily”

Directly following that tweet, Marbury was packed into a shipping crate and placed on a cargo liner scheduled to make port at Miami in three weeks. Reports from the scene noted that a large tub of Vaseline was given to the mercurial point guard before the crate was sealed.

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For more information, please piss on an electrified fence because I imagine that’s probably similarly painful to following this ever-evolving Dwightmare.

-MKJ

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